today

1. coffee
2. pajamas
3. uninterrupted internet access
4. cheese
5. conflict
6. team style shop at the co op
7. snack
8. b63
9. kickass dance class
10. shower
11. dinner – quick
12. movie
13. mandel bread
14. tea
15. internet
16. sleep

Filed under: cheese, coffee, enjoyment, first cup of the day, shabbat, lists

begging for coffee

this morning i was positioned on the couch. time was passing. my palm centro was resting, with its battery removed, in a bowl of short-grain basmati rice. i had not yet had any coffee.

earlier, i had requested coffee, which is wrong. coffee is automatically provided with love on most days but especially on saturdays. on this day, however, the provider (i.e. my beloved) was busy cultivating her internet addiction. so, my first cup was requested and preparations did ensue.

i continued my couch positioning in earnest. no coffee appeared. i applied similisan allergy eye relief drops and waited. then i imitated our cat’s way of asking for what he wants. that is, i begin to lightly rattle the park slope food co op newsletter that was laid out on our coffee table, making a sweet yet annoying ‘thwap’ sound. it was instantly recognized as my wish for coffee.

i have drunk all of the coffee. which raises another important issue.

the two-cup bodum is inadequate for my weekend coffee-drinking needs.

Filed under: beloved, bodum, cat, coffee, cup, first cup of the day, longing, mobile phone, park slope food co op, shabbat, wish, coffee

sprint is stalking me.

this is going to be a list, but first let me explain.

i had asked sprint so sign me up for ‘paperless’ billing, then changed my mind. this is because it was too easy to ignore messages from sprint directing me to go to their dysfunctional web site to try to pay my bill. while i am in possession of the correct password/login combination, i have been unable to login.

changing my mind has been difficult to operationalize since i have not been successful at making the web site convey my wishes to the people, or more likely the machines, who administer my billing settings. so i have not been getting bills. so i was late paying my bill and i got a call from a disembodied voice. it told me, pay your bill. so i called the number and this is what i tried to do:

(1) get them to send me a paper bill each month
(2) pay my bill
(3) arrange to receive a summary and explanation of a series of bizarre, mystical charges and debits applied to my account as a result of me negotiating a ‘deal’ with a special unit set up to keep sprint customers from leaving the service. this so-called ‘deal’ was to satisfy me in such a way as to retain me, for at least two years, as a customer.

first, it took a while for the customer service agent to know why i had been contacted. i tried to explain, but my agent felt compelled to thoroughly research the purpose of their call to me while subjecting me to a series of tones and beats strung together by a person paid for such services. the tones are presented to customers as hold music and it is designed specifically to inspire certain consumer-related feelings and urges while a customer waits on the telephone. the tones inspired in me: rage. finally it was discovered and revealed: i had called because i owed them money.

regarding the first (“1″) item (i.e. reversing the paperless), i should have arranged for an oxygen tank to be delivered and for a cup of chamomille tea to be made prior to asking. the person who was helping me, as kind and pleasant as she was given the upright upbringing i imagine she had (i.e. in the middle of a corn field or shopping mall somewhere), was unable to help me obtain paper bills. she informed me that i would have to consult and interact with the web site in order to do that, and i explained that i had done that numerous times but had been unsuccessful.

she was kind enough to help me understand how to type the URL of the sprint web site. i thanked her and explained that i understood about the web and that this was not the problem. rather, my frustration with the sprint web site is but a microcosm of my frustration with the larger consumer experience provided by the company. i reiterated the fact that i had tried to revert to paper bills approximately eight hundred times and the fact that i was calling as a result of being summoned by a machine indicated that there was a break in the circuit somewhere. i urged her to find a way to solve this problem. she was sure she could not and invited me to know that i could change the setting online. i wondered aloud whether someone sitting near her cubicle could help. she didn’t think so.

she put me on hold and returned with this brilliant insight: you can take care of this easily by going to the sprint web site.

i told her that what i was about to say was not directed at her personally because she is clearly a very nice and helpful person with the best of intentions. rather, it was intended for the ears of the marketing creeps who, as they listen to this customer service no-no tape, are wearing bad ties and brainstorming over some ‘lunch’ that consists of foods fabricated wholly of high-fructose corn syrup and other fictitious food-like processes. among other things, i ventilated my frustration and noted that it is not hard to understand why sprint is hemorrhaging customers. and why i, in a matter of moments, was going to join them despite receiving a marvelous deal on my new palm centro and a nice discount on my service.

initially my customer service agent agreed to consult with another department and arrange paper billing for me, but did i mind holding on for just a few minutes. it was finally arranged, and i felt good. i gave thanks to the creator of all communications devices and moved onto the next item on my list.

regarding paying my bill (“2″), this was accomplished swiftly. i argued successfully for late charges to be removed because my bill would have been paid promptly had i not encountered multiple sprint obstacles. the agent could have objected, noting that i should know that if a sprint bill does not come in a given month, that i should call. well, she would be absolutely right. since i cannot argue that point, i would simply say yes, that is true, but i had hoped sprint would make paying my bills easier, not harder, and in the spirit of customer care, would they consider waiving the late fee. but i did not have to argue further, as previously noted.

the final item (“3″) on my list is one that i regret. it was a mistake. an error. a ridiculous fantasy i had about the ability of a huge global corporation to summarize a bit of information in a meaningful way and give it to me. on a piece of paper. sent in the mail.

i could have requested copies of all of my bills for the time period in question and figured it out, but i did not want to. i wanted them to explain it to me. i told my customer service agent that there had been many complex transactions in connection with my upgrade to a new smartphone, and that i wanted to understand what the charges were, what i paid, and what i was reimbursed. i informed her that i did not want to go over it on the phone because i had already spent many life hours on the phone trying to straighten everything out.

i am not entirely sure that it has been resolved to my satisfaction. this is because i have been busy, have not seen paper bills in the longest time, and did not want to have to spend my precious time poring over bills and trying to understand all of that numerical insanity. nor did i want to call and ask anybody because it takes so many minutes to convey even the simplest ideas. i simply wished for a concise summary. a paragraph.

i said, pretend this is business school and i am assigning a homework task. here is the scenario. a customer upgraded her service. review all of the documentation and see that the charges and debits line up with what was promised. express this in a paragraph written in such a way as to provide the customer with a clear understanding of how much she was charged, how much she paid, how much she was reimbursed by the company.

she asked, you mean you want a copy of your october bill?

and so on.

eventually she was able to grasp my wishes. but i was informed that sprint doesn’t do that. i said, i know that sprint has all of my data. and i know sprint has a keyboard, and a computer, and a person who handles numbers and accounts. so i know someone can do this. perhaps that person might not be you, but nonetheless, i am confident that someone at sprint can provide this service.

it took many units of my vital energy to convey that it was her responsibility to figure out how to get this task accomplished and that i did not want to discuss it any further. i wanted my request fulfilled, by mail. no more talking and no more waiting for an agent to do research. i said that if i got another phone call from sprint about this, i would discontinue my service.

she said it would be done.

i got a call in the morning (10:19 a.m.) from sprint saying that it was important that i contact them regarding this matter. i called. naturally the agent spent many minutes trying to figure out why they had called me, and why i was now calling them. it’s not like someone calls and you call them back and there is continuity. so it takes time each time. this is what i find unbearable. YOU CALLED ME. i am CALLING YOU BACK. it should not be my job to help you remember why you called me ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I ASKED YOU NOT TO CALL ME!

once the agent figured it out, she said that she needed to do some research, did i mind holding. i said that i did mind holding, what was she going to research. my request, she said. i said, what about my request do you need my help with? to find out about my bill, or something like that. i said, well, no. i am not going to hold on. i gave very clear instructions and asked to receive a summary in the mail. what summary? she asked. i said, please read my request back to me. she had trouble doing this and needed research time. i said, the person who made this request on my behalf read back to me words that accurately reflected my wishes. i imagine those words are present with you now. please consult them, and do what they say, and do not call me again.

she said that sprint always has to contact the customer about these requests. i said that sprint is going out of business. their policies and protocol annoy people and don’t work. after reading my request back to me again, i declared, you have your instructions. just do that. the customer should not have to hold your hand. just get the information and mail it to me. do not call to ask any more questions. i mean it.

so they called my partner, who has a phone with another number on this account. she told them she did not want to talk to them, that they should contact me.

that’s when it started. they started stalking me. i knew it was them because by now, i am well aware of their telephone number. they rang and rang and rang. they rang while i was at work, they rang when i was at home. they rang during the time we sang the blessing over the wine on shabbat. i refused to engage. here is the list i promised. it’s the how many times sprint called me list.

thursday
11:10 a.m.
11:16 a.m.
11:26 a.m.

friday
12:50 p.m.
7:44 p.m.

saturday
10:51 a.m.

sprint needs to learn to manage its anxiety better. looking to the customer to calm itself is not a good practice. do a better job and you won’t be so anxious. listen to customers tell you how irritating your ways are, and do something about it. if you don’t know what to do, hire me and i will tell you.

Filed under: customer service, mobile phone, shabbat, sprint, lists